Caroline

My man flu has progressed to near death lergy and I fear I only have hours left now.

To that end I won’t be in tomorrow. If I do make it through the night ill [...]]]> From: Niblick
Sent: 04 November 2009 15:19
To: xxxxx,xxxx ; xxxx,xx ; xxxxxxx, Emily
Subject: Tomorrow

Caroline

My man flu has progressed to near death lergy and I fear I only have hours left now.

To that end I won’t be in tomorrow. If I do make it through the night ill be amazed.

Of course I hold Emily personally responsible for this. The sweet I snatched out of her hand the other day had clearly been contaminated by her. I suspect the contagion it harboured was some mild form of girl flu. It must have mutated into the evil spawn that has devoured my immune system and now threatens my very life force.

But don’t worry about me I will be strong. And please, no flowers by my grave I have no need for them were I am going.

God bless you all, you will be missed (except you Emily, you put me here and I hate you for it)!

Ill ask to be buried in the T shirt you recently bought me, I forget what it said but I’m sure you meant every word of it’s thoughtful message.

I must go now I can hardly read the screen of my blackberry, the devil spawn inside of me has clearly taken a hold of my optical nerves. I will be blind in hours I suspect.

Nib

The worlds favourite airline is by any standard a quality affair or is that quality air fare. On European [...]]]> Well it comes to something when the mighty BA succumb to the catering levels of a smaller budget airline. Still times are hard, and as I travel back from Verona I’m left wondering just how hard.

The worlds favourite airline is by any standard a quality affair or is that quality air fare. On European short haul flights one isn’t expecting a hot meal, certainly not on flights of less than 2 hours. A sandwich definitely but hot food no. It’s when flying on the worlds cheapest airline you can expect to pay for just about everything, crikey even luggage is an extra these days. Indeed it was never clear if it was a publicity stunt, but the attempt by one well known and very budget airline to charge for a crap took us the fee paying public to new loos. Still I do regularly cough up my 30p to go for a pee at Waterloo so I shouldn’t, I guess smart at the thought of having to do the same on an airplane. Although as a captive audience at 26,000 feet your crapping options are limited. I digress.

On my return leg of an all too brief trip to Sirmione by the tranquil waters of Lake Garda I flew with BA. The flight on time, clean, attentive and just about everything else you can expect from a BA Eurofleet flight. In flight calmness and tranquillity as well expertly honed diligence from the staff. “A drink sir?”, “Yes please, Red wine cheers, that will wash any banjo down a treat…….err excuse me! wasn’t I supposed to get some thing edible with that?”, “Yes Sir”, “of course”, I love the tone of the BA staff it’s polite, and ever so slightly authoritarian.

Then with aplomb my meal was served. My small bag of world’s best in flight cuisine was handed to me. “Ta Da, get your laughing gear around that Sir”. I lie of course that wasn’t a verbatim quote. Years of training have given all the BA staff an inert ability to rise above the honesty of their point of view and tow the party line.

Ladies and Gentleman I give you a bag of nuts. bugger I’m fibbing again. No of course BA wouldn’t serve a bag of nuts, the worlds favourite airline is above a bag of nuts. Good god leave the cheap nuts to the cheap airlines! Mere confetti to anything BA would hand out, mere confetti. No we are on a BA flight and BA have standards, Ladies and Gentleman I give you “skybitesgold”, “MIXED COCKTAIL SAVOURY BITES, SULTANAS & SUNFLOWER SEEDS”. Further reading of the bag gives you “fly. nibble. enjoy” (there is world of innuendo to be derived from that little gem, well in my head at least) a stroke of pure marketing genius that one. Turn over the bag and it gives you a veritable smorgasbord of chemical formulae. No mere bag of nuts this, no what we have here is the who’s who of bio engineering. In fact if truth be known not one of these “MIXED COCKTAIL SAVOURY BITES SULTANAS & SUNFLOWER SEEDS” (I’m not shouting it’s just the way it was written on the pack), seems to have made it from mother earth to the bag without some sort of significant treatment.

Actually I’m flying back in my Birkensocks, it has to be said it may well have been a little while since I cut my toe nails (if Giles Coren where dead he would be turning in his grave, however he isn’t, so he won’t be and more to the point I suspect the likelihood of Mr Coren reading this is quite, quite remote, nay very definitely without a shadow of doubt will his eyes ever scan this? No they will not. Which is good given he has a distaste of men’s feet in the altogether), but right now they look delicious, and to be frank if it wasn’t for the fact I had company, I would be gnawing at them here and now. Of course I’m lying yet again, while the very concept of my naked toes complete with my ever so slighty soiled toenails looking all but very delicious compared to the “skybitesgold“. There is the practical issue of me actually getting either foot anywhere remotely close to my mouth, for even a gentle lick never mind a full on mouthfull. But no I feel a change in course and a gentle descent coming on, which means I’ve managed a 1hour 40 minute flight on a glass of red wine and serious finger punching of the keyboard, but not one morsel of food.

And another thing the woman next to me opened her Apple notebook and “bing” up and running. I open my Windows Netbook and 15 minutes of thinking pass, before I can open an application. Oh dear god it’s true I am turning as my wife tells me in to a latter Victor Meldrew character.

As an aside my bag of “skybitesgold” is safe until February 2010, there are warheads being assembled in Iran as I type with less half life than a gob full of “skybitesgold“. Still the wife has scoffed hers and despite the passing of time and many miles she still seems to have a pulse. Clearly the concoction of chemicals which include many things that I can’t even pronounce is not of a lethal dosage. Either that or from this point forward “her in doors” has just achieved immortality.

I do actually still have my bag of “skybitesgold“, I suspect it will outlive me. So BA thank you for getting me home safely, but for crying out loud! Please, please feed us something with just an iota of nutritional value.